It's life.

I had my colp. done last week. It was nice to have Richard go with me, even if I knew what to expect. It's always less scary when you're not alone. While we were there I had asked the doctor some questions, and I left not knowing how to feel. I knew moderate-severe dysplasia wasn't good...but I guess part of me was hoping to go in and be told everything was perfectly fine. Even though I knew darn well that wouldn't be the case. He told me that if the biopsies came back normal he would suggest doing a cold knife cone biopsy, and I had already read about that, and it wasn't something I wanted to do. So I left the office pretty scared. 

 Well, today I went in for my results. Going alone SUCKED! But, Richard has to work, and that's life. So after what seemed like the longest wait of my life, I finally got called back to the room, and the doctor came in. The biopsies came back with high grade lesions. Pre-cancer. I had braced myself for a result like that, because I just had a feeling. But it doesn't mean my heart didn't drop when he said it. We talked about a couple of things he could do, one being the cold knife. The reason I don't want to do the cold knife is because they actually take out a piece of your cervix, and that can cause issues with future pregnancies. Richard and I still want one more child, so I don't want to risk that. I feel like if I did the cold knife, and got pregnant down the road and something went wrong, I would feel like it was my fault for getting the cold knife done when I had other options. I told the DR all of this, and he said he completely understood and that the choice was mine, he was just trying to give me a few options. We decided doing a LEEP would be best. A LEEP uses a thin, low-voltage electrified wire loop to cut out the abnormal tissue. I have been doing some research while waiting for my results, so I know about it. I also know about it because of my best friend, and of course the doctor explaining it to me today. I will be put to sleep for it, and it will be an in & out procedure. I go for it on June 12th. I'm nervous. And scared. And worried. And all sorts of things...I haven't cried yet. Which is surprising with what a cry baby I have been about all of this. I don't know if it was me prepping myself for bad news, or if it's just that fact that...well, this is life. It might not always be fair, and things may happen that suck, and there may be quite a few curve balls thrown my way, but there is no reason to let them bring me down. I don't know exactly what will happen from here on out. What I do know, is that I am blessed with an amazing little girl, and her amazing father, who I get to spend every single day with. They make my life great! I know I am blessed with an amazing family, including all of my in-laws. I am blessed with probably the worlds greatest sister! And I have wonderful, wonderful friends!! So, no, I might not know exactly what is going to happen, but I do know that I am blessed with these awesome people in my life, and that whatever gets thrown my way, they will all be right there with me. And THAT is what makes this less scary.

Not a good morning

So it has been a while since I posted anything about my girly issues. I had a pap done about a week ago, and I didn't think it would come back as anything abnormal, since my biopsies came back negative. Well, I was wrong. I got a call this morning, I guess about an hour & a half ago. Dr H wants to do another colposcopy, because my pap came back with moderate to severe dysplasia. When I think dysplasia, I think of Aubry's hips, so it took me a second to register. My best friend has talked to me about this dysplasia before...so I went straight to panic mode. Probably more than need be, but I am a girl, and sometimes that happens. Of course Richard is working today, so I couldn't just fall into his arms...which I plan on doing the moment he gets home. First thing I did was text him, of course, then my best friend to ask her some questions. She is sleeping, because she works nights. I know she will text me or call me when she wakes up though. Then I talked to my sister for a while. She calmed me down. Which she always does. Sisters are awesome!! I guess what freaks me out the most is that not even 6 months ago my biopsy came back negative, and everything was fine. So how did it go from that to this in less than 6 months? It stresses me out. And scares me. And well, yeah, that's about it. All I know is I was having a perfectly happy morning with my little princess, and that phone call sent me into full on freak out mode. I don't usually cry in front of Aubry, but I couldn't help it. Of course I got on google, which never really helps anything. I did stay away from any forums talking about it, and went straight for medical pages just simply explaining what dysplasia is and what it means could happen. Which those pages aren't much better, if you ask me, but at least you don't have to read 100 people's horror stories. I also went and read my bestie's blog. Because, like I said, she has gone through all of the scary stuff. Her blog probably helped the most, because I understand what she is saying, and it refreshes my memory of when she was going through it and talking to me about it. 
  
 I guess I just needed to ramble on here since my 2 year old doesn't really understand when I try to tell her why mommy is acting like a babbling idiot today. And I don't have any adult interaction until about 6 when Richard gets home. I did call the doctor's office back and ask them to have Dr H call me personally, so I can ask him my questions and not be freaking out all weekend. So hopefully he calls back soon. Then I can calm down a little, and wait for next week's colposcopy. Richard has already promised to go with me to this one, which makes me feel a little better. The last one I was alone. I also wasn't as scared last time, though. I will keep everyone posted!