It's life.

I had my colp. done last week. It was nice to have Richard go with me, even if I knew what to expect. It's always less scary when you're not alone. While we were there I had asked the doctor some questions, and I left not knowing how to feel. I knew moderate-severe dysplasia wasn't good...but I guess part of me was hoping to go in and be told everything was perfectly fine. Even though I knew darn well that wouldn't be the case. He told me that if the biopsies came back normal he would suggest doing a cold knife cone biopsy, and I had already read about that, and it wasn't something I wanted to do. So I left the office pretty scared. 

 Well, today I went in for my results. Going alone SUCKED! But, Richard has to work, and that's life. So after what seemed like the longest wait of my life, I finally got called back to the room, and the doctor came in. The biopsies came back with high grade lesions. Pre-cancer. I had braced myself for a result like that, because I just had a feeling. But it doesn't mean my heart didn't drop when he said it. We talked about a couple of things he could do, one being the cold knife. The reason I don't want to do the cold knife is because they actually take out a piece of your cervix, and that can cause issues with future pregnancies. Richard and I still want one more child, so I don't want to risk that. I feel like if I did the cold knife, and got pregnant down the road and something went wrong, I would feel like it was my fault for getting the cold knife done when I had other options. I told the DR all of this, and he said he completely understood and that the choice was mine, he was just trying to give me a few options. We decided doing a LEEP would be best. A LEEP uses a thin, low-voltage electrified wire loop to cut out the abnormal tissue. I have been doing some research while waiting for my results, so I know about it. I also know about it because of my best friend, and of course the doctor explaining it to me today. I will be put to sleep for it, and it will be an in & out procedure. I go for it on June 12th. I'm nervous. And scared. And worried. And all sorts of things...I haven't cried yet. Which is surprising with what a cry baby I have been about all of this. I don't know if it was me prepping myself for bad news, or if it's just that fact that...well, this is life. It might not always be fair, and things may happen that suck, and there may be quite a few curve balls thrown my way, but there is no reason to let them bring me down. I don't know exactly what will happen from here on out. What I do know, is that I am blessed with an amazing little girl, and her amazing father, who I get to spend every single day with. They make my life great! I know I am blessed with an amazing family, including all of my in-laws. I am blessed with probably the worlds greatest sister! And I have wonderful, wonderful friends!! So, no, I might not know exactly what is going to happen, but I do know that I am blessed with these awesome people in my life, and that whatever gets thrown my way, they will all be right there with me. And THAT is what makes this less scary.

Not a good morning

So it has been a while since I posted anything about my girly issues. I had a pap done about a week ago, and I didn't think it would come back as anything abnormal, since my biopsies came back negative. Well, I was wrong. I got a call this morning, I guess about an hour & a half ago. Dr H wants to do another colposcopy, because my pap came back with moderate to severe dysplasia. When I think dysplasia, I think of Aubry's hips, so it took me a second to register. My best friend has talked to me about this dysplasia before...so I went straight to panic mode. Probably more than need be, but I am a girl, and sometimes that happens. Of course Richard is working today, so I couldn't just fall into his arms...which I plan on doing the moment he gets home. First thing I did was text him, of course, then my best friend to ask her some questions. She is sleeping, because she works nights. I know she will text me or call me when she wakes up though. Then I talked to my sister for a while. She calmed me down. Which she always does. Sisters are awesome!! I guess what freaks me out the most is that not even 6 months ago my biopsy came back negative, and everything was fine. So how did it go from that to this in less than 6 months? It stresses me out. And scares me. And well, yeah, that's about it. All I know is I was having a perfectly happy morning with my little princess, and that phone call sent me into full on freak out mode. I don't usually cry in front of Aubry, but I couldn't help it. Of course I got on google, which never really helps anything. I did stay away from any forums talking about it, and went straight for medical pages just simply explaining what dysplasia is and what it means could happen. Which those pages aren't much better, if you ask me, but at least you don't have to read 100 people's horror stories. I also went and read my bestie's blog. Because, like I said, she has gone through all of the scary stuff. Her blog probably helped the most, because I understand what she is saying, and it refreshes my memory of when she was going through it and talking to me about it. 
  
 I guess I just needed to ramble on here since my 2 year old doesn't really understand when I try to tell her why mommy is acting like a babbling idiot today. And I don't have any adult interaction until about 6 when Richard gets home. I did call the doctor's office back and ask them to have Dr H call me personally, so I can ask him my questions and not be freaking out all weekend. So hopefully he calls back soon. Then I can calm down a little, and wait for next week's colposcopy. Richard has already promised to go with me to this one, which makes me feel a little better. The last one I was alone. I also wasn't as scared last time, though. I will keep everyone posted!

Catching up

It has been quite a while since I made a post, and Richard is working nights, and I am waiting on my laundry to get done, so I figure I can ramble for a while. Last time I posted, Stephanie and I were doing our little diet. Well, needless to say, I have fallen off the wagon a bit. I am still watching how much sugar I have, as well as staying low carb, but I will admit I failed. She, however is awesome, and is training for a triathlon right now! I have mentioned how awesome she is, right?! :)
  
  I suppose a lot of things have happened since I made that post. Let's see...Richard and I went to NASCAR, it was a first for both of us, and it was a total blast! We were so close that when one of the wrecks happened right in front of us, I got rubber from the tires on my face and in my beer, yummy! HA! We had a good time, and got to spend some time with my big brother afterwards. Which is always a good time. My grandparents also came for a visit from Iowa. It had been over 10 years I believe since the last time they had been here,  so it was nice to have them in AZ. They stayed at my mom's, and while it was a short visit, I was glad for the time I got to spend with them. Aubry had a blast with grandpa Jack, just like when we were in Iowa. He adores her, and it makes my heart melt. 

 Then there was Easter. We colored eggs a couple nights before, and Richard's parents came up the day before Easter to give Aubry all of her goodies. Aubry loooves "pop pop", and I love watching them play together. He always has candy in the pocket in his shirt, and she knows it! Haha! Richard had to work on Easter, so we did everything later in the evening. The egg hunt and all of that. Aubry still remembered that the eggs that make noise are the good ones, filled with "nummies". She had a lot of fun finding them all and shoving chocolate and jelly beans in her mouth as fast as she could. Then she was on a sugar high. haha! We stayed outside blowing bubbles with her until it got dark. It was a wonderful day. She is absolutely amazing, and I feel extremely blessed to have my little family. We have been spending a lot of family time together on Richard's days off lately, and I love it! I feel like we are making so many wonderful memories! We have been going to the river a lot, which we all love. Richard gets to fish, Aubry gets to play, and I get to get a tan! It's a win all around. Ha! I love moments like that. Just the 3 of us having a great time together. It's perfect! <3 Aubry is getting way too big, WAAAY too fast, and I feel like I need to cherish every moment! It's crazy how time flies! You always say that, but I don't think I ever realized how true it was until we had a child.

<3

Daddy caught a turtle and Aubry did NOT like it!

She is my best friend! <3<3

Coloring eggs with daddy<3

Getting so big!

I think we're rednecks! ;)

Love her! 

Can I just have some sugar, please?

My best friend Stephanie & I are doing a no sugar, low carb diet. Her boyfriend is doing it also, but she is my person, so she is who I will talk about. :) Yes, my person. Like Grey's Anatomy. We are cool like that. While she might live 4 hours away from me, and I might not be able to see her nearly as often as I would like, we can still do things like this and support each other. She is probably doing better at this than I am, because she is better at the healthy/dieting stuff. BUT...I am giving it my all. Granted, we are only on day 2. We have been texting each other every day and keeping each other motivated. She is AWESOME! Yesterday sucked! We both felt nauseous, and were...well, bitchy. I know I was anyway. But we still pulled through. Today is a little easier, but not by much. I am a candy & carb JUNKIE! So this is really, really hard! All I want is some effing CANDY! Yes, I am that worked up about it. Yesterday we both said we felt like people going through detox. HA! How awful does that sound? We also pigged out on crap food for a few days before we started, so I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier. It is really hard, and it is a big change. But when we reach our goals we will feel amazing!! And I know I can do this not only because I want it, but because I have someone doing it with me. It would probably be easier if we lived closer and saw each other all the time. But we make due with what we have. Did I mention she is awesome?! :) At this moment there are m&m's in my fridge calling my name, along with Aubry's gummy fruit snacks in the cupboard...but I wont give in. As much as I want to! I will just text Stephanie and complain with her, and I will get through it. Here's to reaching our goals!!! 

Potty Training!

Some people (the "I know everything" parents) think it is the worst thing that Aubry is over 2 years old and is not potty trained yet. Well, those people can kiss my butt! Because every child is different, and the few times I have tried to push Aubry, it's like taking 2 steps back. So while I know I have to be the one teaching her and guiding her, I will not push her if she isn't ready. Lately, she seems very ready. I am MORE than ready! 2 years of diapers is NO FUN! Let me tell ya! But, making her feel comfortable and happy is more important than me not wanting to change dirty diapers. So, I take her in the bathroom with me almost every time I go. And sometimes she pulls down her diaper to sit on the potty, other times she doesn't. Lately, she has been pulling it down every time. the other day she went in there all on her own and told me "pee, mom!" and pulled down her diaper, and sat down. I of course was EXTREMELY excited. Well, I think most of the pee got in her diaper, but she did have a couple drops go in the potty. So of course I made a huge deal out of it and told her how proud I am. Today, I went in the bathroom to tinkle, and she followed on her own, pulled down her diaper, and sat. After a few minutes of us talking and singing(weird, maybe, but it works!) she told me "eww! stinky!" so I looked, and sure enough, there was a tiny bit of poop in there! I never thought I would be so excited to see poop! Of course, again I made a HUGE deal out of it, but this time it wasn't really on purpose...I was just SO EXCITED! She laughed at me, actually. Haha! But, I feel like we are making great progress! It probably helps that we haven't been leaving to Safford every set of Richard's 7 days off. She gets confused when we do that. So hopefully we can keep this pace going, and stay home these up coming days off and get this thing really going! 

Some things in parenthood are just flat out hard. The things on the top of that list are of course seeing your child hurt or sick. But there is also dealing with terrible two's, never getting any sleep, taking 2 minute prison showers because you are afraid of what is going on in the rest of your house while you are in there, and POTTY TRAINING! The good things for sure out weigh the bad. Knowing that you created this amazing little person who loves you more than anything, and you feel the same..actually you love them more than you ever knew you could from the moment your see their little face! Watching them grown and learn new things every day, those moments when they come up to you and hug you with all the strength their little bodies have and say " I LUUUUHHHH YOUUUUU MAMA!!!" <3, the cuddles, the kisses, the ridiculous cuteness! The moments they fall asleep in your arms, the look they give you when you pick them up from the sitter, every time they learn a new word, or repeat one you said(not always a good word, but you can't help but giggle), did I mention the kisses and cuddles? ;) And of course the moments when you are just SO proud of them! And today, is for sure, one of those days where I am just SO proud of her I could cry! It may seem silly to be so excited over poop...okay, when I say it that way, it IS pretty silly! But, I am just so proud of the progress she is making. Which might still seem silly, since potty training is something everyone has to do, but...WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD! =D

Late night rambling

Richard is working nights right now, and it's always hard for me to adjust to him being gone for the first few nights, and I end up staying up waaay too late! And of course I get online and decide to ramble on the blog for a bit. 
 We all just got over being sick, which was no fun. I should say Aubry got over being sick, because Richard & I are still feeling kind of crappy. Must be because we are getting old! ;) Aubry got sick first, and it must have been a 24 hour bug, because she was up puking all of Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning, and then all better by Thursday. Thursday is when we got it. YUCK! As long as Aubry feels better, I don't mind feeling a little crappy. Seeing her sick is the worst! 
 There really isn't anything all that interesting going on right now. Our lives are boring! Richard switched plants at work, so me & Aubry can't go see him anymore, which kind of stinks. Especially when he is on nights. I guess we were spoiled while he was at Central. It was just always nice to take Aubry to see him before she had to go to bed. She still gets to call him and tell him good night, though. <3 Hunting season over at the end of this month! THANK GOODNESS!!! Well, it's over for now, anyway..but still...THANK GOODNESS!! I am kind of bummed for him that he didn't get anything, but I am super happy I will be seeing more of my husband on his days off! We went on a date night on his last set of days off. It was nice, it had been way too long. I got a new dress right before we left for Safford, so I could wear it on our date. It was so nice & fun to get so dressed up for him! Or just in general, really. When you are a stay at home mom, you kind of lose than "getting dressed up every day" thing...half the time I don't even leave the house, so I end up looking like a bum most of the time! We had his mom watch Aubry while we went to dinner at the steak house in Safford, which was delish! Then we went to the movies and saw Contraband. It was a really good movie! It's always nice to do things alone, as much as we LOVE doing family things, it is important for us to get our alone time, too.
 My grandparents are coming out to visit next month which I am SUPER excited about! I can't wait for them to see how much Aubry has grown just since we were in Iowa. They haven't been to Arizona in a long time. It will be nice to have them here. I'm sure my mom is excited, too. We are planning a trip to go see my fantastic sister & her beautiful family in October this year, which I mentioned before. I am SO excited about that!! It has been way, way, WAAAYYYY too long since I have seen my nephews! The last time I saw them they were my little cuddle buddies, and now they are all grown up! It's so crazy to me! Time really flies. I used to go see them every summer, and then I lived there for a year after I graduated high school. Then life happened, and things changed, and now I have this amazing little family of my own! I can not wait for Aubry to meet Brandon & Seth! Of course I am excited to see EVERYONE, I just haven't seen them in the longest. Eve and Layla came out when Aubry was born, and then again for our wedding. I just can't wait to see everyone!
 Anyway, now I am seriously just rambling on & on. So off to bed I go!.....Hopefully!

Small progress

We went to Safford for a few days so that Richard could work on his truck & get it running for hunting. Yes, in case you were wondering, I am sick of hunting! Haha! Whatever makes the hubby happy, though. It would be more fun if I was going with, but we don't have anyone to watch Aubry up here, and taking a 2 year old hiking so you can bow hunt doesn't sound like much fun to me. Plus, she would scare away all the deer. :) Anyway, we stayed at Richard's parents the first night, and they are awesome! I have been trying to keep to eating healthy, which is more of a challenge when you're not at home, if you ask me. You can't exactly ask people to cook healthy just to suit your lifestyle. But Richard's mom was awesome & made healthy food anyway! :) They also have an elliptical that they let me use so I wouldn't feel like I was slacking on my work out schedule. I didn't think I would sweat so much from that thing! It was crazy. But also felt amazing. The second day I went grocery shopping with my friend Elicia. We were going to do a 2 day fruit & veggies cleanse, so we were stocking up on fruits & veggies. I wont lie, I didn't pull through on the cleanse. It's really hard to do something like that when you are not home! But, I did succeed in buying lots of healthy stuff. Step 1, right? Anyway, that night Lee Ann made chicken for the guys & was nice enough to also make fish so me & her could eat that. It was delish! Then I got on the elliptical again. This time I put it on the fat burning setting, and it totally kicked my butt!! In a good way, yes..but I was so sore the next day I didn't get to go on the walk her & I planned. Then we headed over to Matt & Elicia's for the night. It was hard not to eat the yummy nachos everyone was snacking on, but I stuck to my guns & ate a few Special K chip things. They're not bad. Though they have the texture of a rice cake! ha! The next day I was even more proud when Richard had me get him Burger King & I didn't eat any of it!! Okay, that's a lie, I took a baby bite from one of the burgers E was eating, but that was it! And it didn't even taste that good, I felt like I was eating garbage! I was more proud that I didn't eat the fries. Those are my weakness. Also, I didn't have any soda! Usually when we go to Safford I eat nothing but fast food. The only "fast food" I had was Subway!
 When we got home I had to jump on the scale because I wanted to see if I made any progress from eating right & kicking my own ass on the elliptical....and I DID! I lost 3 pound over the weekend! I know, I know...3 pounds is nothing, but it IS a start! And I proved to myself that even when I'm not at home I can still make healthy choices. I'm kind of proud of myself. I probably shouldn't be bragging, because I'm sure I could easily put those 3 pounds back on, but I look at it as more motivation to keep losing!